I like doing it scared

I am literally unstoppable, even though I might pass out from fear right now

My hands are shaking and my breath keeps getting caught sharply in the back of my throat. In, out. Hitch. In, out. Hitch. For most people these sensations only cause further panic — but not being in control over my own body is like second nature to me. That familiar bead of sweat begins to form on my brow and I feel almost comforted by the fact that my brain is forcing me to experience these feelings of fear. I simply don’t know how to live any other way.

I deliberately arrived early enough so that I could have a few minutes to pace outside, trying to relax my breathing. I took my phone out of my pocket, saw that five minutes had passed, and marched into the building - sweat patches, shaky hands, and all. I’d spent the day before convincing myself not to take this interview too seriously — I never believed I’d be a strong candidate - but the morning of was a different story. All that persuasion went straight out the window the moment I left the house. So I went in there, did my best to answer the questions as well as I could, and I found myself treating it more casually as the time passed. The interviewers were nice and the atmosphere was calm. And I knew that if I didn’t get the job it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

The next day I had a phone call — and yes, I hesitated before picking up as I always do. It was the company ringing to offer me the role. Me? Did they have that right? Timidly, I replied — “thank you, of course I’ll take it”. We hung up and I sat there for a moment, absolutely stunned. Because wait a minute… me, in an office? Am I even capable of that?

I keep hearing the phrase “do it scared” floating around. Each time that I come across it I can’t help but reflect on it, asking myself if I have ever done it any other way than afraid. Elements of anxiety surround every aspect of my life and always have done — I suppose that they always will. How am I meant to do things if I don’t feel that impending sense of doom, my stomach churning, all of my words dying off before they even think about travelling to my mouth? Does anyone really know what living without those feelings feels like?

I feel so ashamed with myself for, years ago, being too scared to even approach the front door. But it isn’t shame at my anxiety rearing its ugly head, it’s embarrassment that I let fear put me off going outside. Because why should it? Why should fear dictate my life like that?

Lately I have come to terms with the fact that if I don’t do it scared, then I won’t do it at all. I have to put a brave face on, wear my big girl shoes, and get on with it — even if I feel like running to the toilet to be sick. Otherwise how else will I learn? How else will I be able to distinguish a scary situation from a not-scary situation? How else will I feel alive, will my body remind me that it exists by kicking and screaming?

So I went to my interview, feeling small and underqualified. On the way home I daydreamed about all the other things I’ve done whilst being scared shitless. Like walking to the shop, overthinking how heavy my breathing sounds and if I’m walking funny. Or my last interview for my current job, getting there 20 minutes early (I will never learn) and sitting there absolutely petrified by all these new people and this new environment. In fact it’s my current job that has taught me a lot about becoming comfortable with talking to strangers, it’s weird how things work out like that.

Over the years my brain has learnt which environments and situations are panic-worthy and which aren’t. But it has been me putting myself into these experiences that has taught it that. There’s been countless times that I’ve turned things down because the fear is too great — and I only have myself to blame for the extra length of my own social development.

My new job will teach me about office life and I’ll finally have a career in something more ‘professional’. I can’t even begin telling you how excited I am to start, even though the prospect of having to buy some smart clothes feels quite daunting to a casual jeans and trainers type gal like myself. And yes, on my first day I’ll probably throw up the minute I get home as I’ll be so jittery from the nerves. I may even sweat so much I’ll have to keep my arms by my sides all day. But that’s who I am and I can’t change that. I don’t want to change that. At least my body is looking out for me like that, though if it could relax a little bit that would be much appreciated.

I’d rather do it scared than not do it at all.